Week of ups and downs.

Well it has been a week of ups and downs.  I guess it is to be expected.  The good news is I think the depression is starting to go away.  I am not crying for no reason, not having as many moody out bursts, but I am still not sleeping.  Looking back on my last bad depressive episode, the symptoms are very similar. 

Right now I feel useless.  I know that I am not, but when you get depressed, your sense of self worth goes down the drain.  Now I need to focus on what makes me feel good.  To hell with every one else.  I need to take care of me.  My kids and husband can take care of themselves.  But this awful thing called guilt always seems to kick in just when I start to do something for myself.

I do have an awesome family, and I know they want me to do what is best for me.  My oldest daughter just asked me the other day if I was going back to school, because she knows that will make me happy.  She also thinks it will be cool if both of us are in college at the same time.  Her doing undergraduate and myself working on masters.  If we can financially make it work, I am going to do it.

Most bi-polar people are very inteligent people who for some reason or another never finish projects that they start.  I used to be like that.  I always thought that I was just a quitter.  But it is not that.  It is because we get bored, or our self esteem gets destroyed during a depressive episode.  So we move on to other things.  I have managed to get a BS, stay married for 19 years, and run a business for the last 5 years.   I am not a quitter, but I do get sidetracked.  Right now I am in sidetrack mode. 

I read an article the other day about the best time to quit a job.  It was written just for me.  It said sometimes you need to leave a job that you just do to find a job that you love.  Even if that means you have to work part time and go back to school to get the degree for the job you will love.  I want to help people who have mental illness and learn more about my own.  I want to help break the stigma that goes along with having this lable attached to a person.  So I am on a new quest to get my dream job of helping people over come and understand their mental illness.

Off to try and get some sleep.