Yet another sleepless night. I hate it when the depression part of the manic depressive disease sets in. My brain is torn between wanting to crash yet it wants to stay awake and process everything it can. My body is in agony, it wants sleep, food, a hug. You know, any thing that reminds you of safe comfortable place in your life. Yet my crazy brain is running haywire. It wants information to process, digest, gobble up because that is what makes it feel better. No wonder soo many manic depressives self medicate. May it be food, exercise, internet, drugs, alcholol, work, what ever obcessive behaviors they do to help forget or make the pain go away. It is kind of like having two people in your body at the same time. I am not talking multiple personalities, because it is the same person just on opposite ends of the spectrum. I guess I must be different than most, because I am never just depressed. I am always manic at the same time. They call it a mixed episode. It is frustrating because I want to get out and do things but I am afraid that I will have an emotional breakdown at any moment. But staying cooped up is not good either. Kind of like starve the cold, feed the fever.
So today I will stay home and try and compromise to keep both ends happy. I will cook the family some comfort food they love and spend some more quality time out on the deck with the wild life and my daughters. I will also feed my brain all the information it can possibly handle. I will try to fry it with soo much information that it has no choice but to shut down. So, TV, internet, movies, books, and yes video games here I come. I am determined to get some sleep tonight so tomorrow may possibly be a good day.
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